The signs were there from the very beginning: the willingness to argue against climate change, the insistence that the economy was currently in the process of catastrophic failure. It was not until this past Friday, however, that widely held suspicions were finally confirmed: Ted Cruz is actually a time traveller from 2008.

The final reveal came as a result of a PR gaffe: in an attempt to become more relatable to young audiences, Ted Cruz made a reference to then-popular TV series, LOST. Further attempts to salvage this gaffe by making a “trololololo” impression did nothing to help rescue the presidential hopeful. Authorities later found that Cruz’s belongings included a Zune, Beanie Babies, tulips, 2 boxes of Kraft Bagel-fuls, a copy of “A Beginner’s Guide to Conversational Esperanto”, and a DeLorean maintenance manual.

How did this charade last so long? Experts have been pointing out that the signs have been obvious all along, “I mean, of course there’s the little things like thinking the world is on fire, a clear reference to the horrid, destructive California wildfires of 2007, but really it just takes one look at the man’s stance on gay rights to see that clearly he comes straight out of the past.”

As of press time, Cruz was reportedly “fleeing towards the 1950s South”. It is unclear as of now whether that refers to his actual whereabouts or to his political policies.

You May Also Like

ResX is Susie Brubaker-Cole Playing Minecraft Alone in a Dark Room for 16 Hours a Day Making Her Perfect Stanford

Sources recently revealed to the Flipside that Vice Provost for Student Affairs…

Flipside Editorial Board Endorses Tenzin-Vasquez Michael Cruz SUCKS for ASSU Executive

The following article is based on an editorial written in the April…

Follow-up Report: Order Restored in Memphis As Grizzlies Summarily Swept from Playoffs

As reported last week by the Flipside’s own western Tennessee/eastern Arkansas sports…

‘Sin Explains Stanford Devil-Rain’ – Says Pat Roberton

NEW YORK – In the wake of his controversial statements on a…