The signs were there from the very beginning: the willingness to argue against climate change, the insistence that the economy was currently in the process of catastrophic failure. It was not until this past Friday, however, that widely held suspicions were finally confirmed: Ted Cruz is actually a time traveller from 2008.
The final reveal came as a result of a PR gaffe: in an attempt to become more relatable to young audiences, Ted Cruz made a reference to then-popular TV series, LOST. Further attempts to salvage this gaffe by making a “trololololo” impression did nothing to help rescue the presidential hopeful. Authorities later found that Cruz’s belongings included a Zune, Beanie Babies, tulips, 2 boxes of Kraft Bagel-fuls, a copy of “A Beginner’s Guide to Conversational Esperanto”, and a DeLorean maintenance manual.
How did this charade last so long? Experts have been pointing out that the signs have been obvious all along, “I mean, of course there’s the little things like thinking the world is on fire, a clear reference to the horrid, destructive California wildfires of 2007, but really it just takes one look at the man’s stance on gay rights to see that clearly he comes straight out of the past.”
As of press time, Cruz was reportedly “fleeing towards the 1950s South”. It is unclear as of now whether that refers to his actual whereabouts or to his political policies.