Fuck you! You fucking shit! That’s right, fuck you, you big baby! You whiny little baby, crying about how your car won’t start—you are pathetic. You are dumb and a nerd. But it’s okay, loser! Step one to fixing your car is to fuck it. Roll down your sad loser pants and have sex with your broken car!

Are you scared, you dweeb fuck? Are you afraid that the exhaust pipe won’t fit in your ass? Do you think you’re so weak and lame that you won’t be able to satisfy your car’s sex drive? That’s fucking okay! Introducing POWERCOCK 3000 Z, the new car dildo that experts are calling “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING” and “WHY DOES IT HAVE WINGS LIKE A BAT AND ALSO CUM FIRE?” It’s fucking great! Step one, insert; step two, turn on, and sure enough any car lubed up enough enough to take POWERCOCK 3000 Z will be pissing coolant all over the place and also will start again!

What’s that, you stupid twat? You think that using a tool to fix your car makes you less of a hunk, huh? You think the POWERCOCK 3000 Z’s companion product, the TONGUETHUNDER SLICK (It Licks! It Tastes! It Auto-Lubricates!washerfluidnotincluded), which comes alive at night and fucks your spouse, makes your own tongue look small? You disgust me, you deranged little dandelion, you fucking sheep, thinking that this cybernetic prosthetic, this unholy fusion of sex and oil, this servitor of every and all your erotic-mechanical needs is going to replace you. Of course it’s going to replace you, you whippet, you slime! That’s because you’re not a three thousand horsepower, nuclear-powered god of titanium musculature—you’re just a sad little sack of sinew and tears whose anus can’t withstand the toxic fumes produced by a standard internal combustion engine. You sicken me.

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