PALO ALTO, CA—Julia Brenner celebrated her twenty-third birthday on Sunday afternoon by taking her closest girlfriends out for a day of healthy female bonding that involved smoking those broads in a SoulCycle class. SoulCycle, a brand-name indoor cycling facility, holds a dozen spin classes a day, many of which Brenner has attended in the recent weeks as she prepared for the complete and utter ass-whooping that ensued on her special day.

Sporting her sleekest exercise clothes, she mounted the stationary bike in a mental race, which she approached with righteous fervor. Brenner won by a landslide, despite the immobile nature of spin bikes, and was seen pumping her fists above her head in a victorious manner, while sending a knowing smirk to herself in the full-wall mirrors. While her closest friends slumped in their backless seats, she propped herself triumphantly on her handlebars, raising an eyebrow at the instructor.

“It’s my birthday, but I thought it would be great if we spent it improving my own health and the health of the girls I care about the most. And if I get to watch my ponytail bounce gloriously with every pedal of the wheel while my loved ones look on in defeat, well that’s just icing on the cake,” said Brenner.  “It’s every girl’s dream.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…