Local Thanksgiving dinner host Marian Schuyler reportedly feels no remorse for her actions upon learning that her son Walter had brought an unexpected guest to her holiday meal. Schuyler, who had been “slaving over a hot stove cooking since the break of dawn,” secretly assuaged her pangs of fury by excusing herself through gritted teeth and haphazardly dumping lighter fluid all over his new girlfriend’s Honda Accord, while striking a match and cackling.

Schuyler busied herself further by redoing the table arrangements that were set to accommodate fourteen people, a number she had drawn from the numerous telephone conversations with expected guests, pleading for knowledge of any plus-ones.  Continuing to make markedly curt small-talk with this so-called “Julia,” Schuyler sneakily winked at her Wally, mouthing “This one’s a keeper, Sonny,” and drew the curtains to cover up the blazing fireball that had erupted in the driveway.

The dinner that Schuyler had so meticulously planned, from the turkey’s presentation to the exact placement of each napkin ring, went off without a hitch, despite the unnoticed gaseous representation of her inner state of anguish over the mix-up. Given time away from the evidence of her crime, she settled into conversation with this “Julia,” who was admittedly lovely and now without an appropriate means of transportation that was not currently aflame and blocking in three other guests. And my, what an appetite she had!

At press time, Schuyler is imagining her future grandchildren and the glorious moment when her sinister act of unbridled rage is discovered, whispering to herself, “Marian, you tricky genius, you’ve still got it.”

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