In a recent poll, the Flipside has discovered that the world is pretty much done with all that hoopla happening in Ukraine. Over 56% of respondents indicated that they are “so over this shit,” while 27% responded, “what’s a Ukraine?” and 14% answered, “I’m not interested in a DirecTV subscription; please stop calling my house.”
The 2.5% who were concerned about the continuing deaths in the ex-soviet satellite state were promptly verbally bludgeoned into submission by the pollsters, and changed their response to “just—whatever man” after a few minutes.
“Look, we get it, you’re having a revolution or something” said President Obama in a press release, “just don’t be so freakin’ needy about it.” The President continued, “I’ve got fourteen babies to kiss on the forehead in eleven different states, so I’d really appreciate it if you stop taking up my space on the front page next to the guy who thinks he caught Ebola in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit.”
Secretary of State John Kerry could not be reached for comment as he apparently “just wishes the world would let him watch his goddamn soap for once.”
Stanford political science major Timmy Sperdman ’17 had this to say when asked about the conflict between Ukrainian nationalists and Pro-Russian forces that continues to produce violence in the area despite ceasefire agreements: “Did you hear they put up the new season of Portlandia on Netflix? Haha I love that show. It’s so quirky.”