If we were to rank every single dolphin from best to worst, this would be the very bottom. Look at it. Where the fuck is it even, a swamp? It can’t even manage to get into a tributary or inland sea? No, it can’t. Because it’s a dumb wrinkly piece of shit.

Whenever you look at a dolphin, no right-minded dolphin-lover would think “hey, I bet that slippery sucker could use some polka dots” and YET this freak of nature decided to bedazzle the shit out of its own skin until it looked like a moist jawbreaker. Actually, does it even have skin? We’re not sure. He looks like he just swam around in a bunch of sandpaper until we had the misfortune of finding him, the hands down worst dolphin in the universe.

We want to take this paragraph to talk about the dolphin’s facial expression. It knows. Its eyes are just holes. We bet the two eyes are just connected by a cylinder of black nothingness. There’s no brain in there, just the eye-void.

Did you know that dolphins are the only other animal besides humans that has sex for fun? Well not this one. Or at least we hope not. Does anyone know if dolphins can get vasectomies? Because we will gladly cover the cost.

Lest you think we are racist against pink dolphins, it is really this particular dolphin. But the fact that it looks like a wad of chewed up bubble gum definitely doesn’t help its case.

What the fuck is it even doing? What does it want? Fish? Fuck you.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…