Post Tagged with: "thanksgiving"

Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

December 3, 2018 5:00 pmComments Off on Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys
Trump Opts To Pardon Exclusively White And Affluent Turkeys

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Between the gluttonous binging preceding gut-wrenching regret and the inevitable turkey drops that everyone saw coming, the holiday break brought few shockers outside of typical turkey-centric expectations. In the tradition of ceremonial turkey pardons, President Trump shocked no-one in selecting to pardon two White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant […]

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Evil Liberal Turkey Scientists Release Conspiracy Theory of ‘Anthropogenic Thanksgiving’ to Turkey UN

November 12, 2018 7:00 pmComments Off on Evil Liberal Turkey Scientists Release Conspiracy Theory of ‘Anthropogenic Thanksgiving’ to Turkey UN
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 19:  President Donald Trump speaks to world leaders at the 72nd United Nations (UN) General Assembly at UN headquarters in New York on September 19, 2017 in New York City. This is Trump's first appearance at the General Assembly where he addressed threats from Iran and North Korea among other global concerns.  (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Sensible, conservative turkeys worldwide likely gobbled at the recent avian United Nations report in which 142 turkey scientists made the ridiculous claim that turkeys worldwide are in danger of their apocalyptically-described conspiracy theory of “Thanksgiving.” In this report, the panel of leftist, anti-Business turkey scientists used fear […]

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Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

November 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”
Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

In a move aimed to please humanitarians and psychopaths alike, Stanford’s Haas Center for Public Service has announced that it will be hosting and funding an on-campus “Turkey Slaughter Day” later this month. “Essentially what we’ll be doing is bringing in a number of turkeys in anticipation of Thanksgiving and […]

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The Lonely Freshman’s Guide to Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner

December 3, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on The Lonely Freshman’s Guide to Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner
The Lonely Freshman’s Guide to Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner

Are you an out-of-state freshman spending your first Thanksgiving away from family? Have all of your new local friends left for home without inviting you over? Do the international kids still kind of scare you? If you’ve answered yes to these questions, look no further! In a few easy steps, […]

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Area Host Feels No Regret for Setting Unexpected Guest’s Car on Fire

December 1, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Area Host Feels No Regret for Setting Unexpected Guest’s Car on Fire
Area Host Feels No Regret for Setting Unexpected Guest’s Car on Fire

Local Thanksgiving dinner host Marian Schuyler reportedly feels no remorse for her actions upon learning that her son Walter had brought an unexpected guest to her holiday meal. Schuyler, who had been “slaving over a hot stove cooking since the break of dawn,” secretly assuaged her pangs of fury by […]

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Fall Out Boy Thnkfl Fr Th Mmrs this Thanksgiving

12:00 pmComments Off on Fall Out Boy Thnkfl Fr Th Mmrs this Thanksgiving
Fall Out Boy Thnkfl Fr Th Mmrs this Thanksgiving
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Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

November 21, 2014 10:00 amComments Off on Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break
Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

I just booked my ticket home and I am so excited. I can’t wait to spend some quality time with my family over Thanksgiving, then retreat to my old room and pleasure myself while lying in the same bed I laid in during my high-school years. I miss my two […]

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Dreidel Drop Comes Early This Year

December 2, 2013 12:01 pmComments Off on Dreidel Drop Comes Early This Year
Dreidel Drop Comes Early This Year

The Turkey Drop is a time-honored tradition for doomed high school couples. Thinking they can make long-distance work, within the first month they find themselves grasping at straws. When phone sex, Skype stripteases, and sexting don’t work, they may turn to a more wholesome and modest means, Snapchat, to recover […]

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Turkeys Unionize Before Thanksgiving Blowout

November 12, 2012 12:01 pmComments Off on Turkeys Unionize Before Thanksgiving Blowout
Turkeys Unionize Before Thanksgiving Blowout

In anticipation of a busy Thanksgiving week, America’s Turkeys have announced plans to unionize under provisions granted by the Wagner Act of 1935.  The Turkeys say that they are an indispensable part of the November holiday and as such are in a strong position to collectively bargain for an improved […]

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Sophomore Quits Turkey after Bad Thanksgiving Experience

November 30, 2011 12:00 pmComments Off on Sophomore Quits Turkey after Bad Thanksgiving Experience
Sophomore Quits Turkey after Bad Thanksgiving Experience

In a surprising announcement released moments after waking up, still in his slacks, on the morning of Black Friday, Sophomore Jerry Langdon declared to his friends and family that he was “never eating turkey again”. “The night began so innocuously,” said Langdon, “At first I just had some of those […]

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