As I am sure you are all aware, I spend twelve months making toys, studying maps, and keeping in shape for sliding down millions of chimneys come Christmas Eve.  I’m the one that makes the Legos and terrifying Bratz dolls that your kids whine for year after year.  I even had to teach the elves how to build electronics like cell phones and PlayStations to appease the entitled pieces of shit that you produce.  I sit in thousands of shopping malls for hours and get peed on while listening to the barely intelligible words that come out of your infants’ mouths as they beg for ponies and fire trucks.

But right now, I’m talking to you, parents.  While you have no problem telling your kids to write to me with a list of consumerist demands at Thanksgiving, come New Years do you ever suggest that they write me a thank you note?  I didn’t think so.  And trust me, I notice you taking credit for my gifts every time.  You say, “Oh no, little Johnnie, that was from Santa!” but that little wink has douchebag written all over it.

After sorting through mountains of letters and delivering all these gifts, I think it’s time I got a little appreciation for what I do!  Have you ever flown a reindeer-drawn sleigh around the world in one night?  I bet not, and let me tell you: it gets a bit drafty at midnight in December!  And while I love cookies as much as the next magical omniscient saint, Mrs. Claus isn’t too pleased with the diet.  So this year, after the annual ravage of gift-wrap, be sure to ask your brat if they liked their My Little Pony and then tell them that all I want is a little thanks in return.

Oh and now remember, children: you must be good to be on my nice list.  When you’re good to Santa, Santa’s good to you.  A merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

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