The news was revealed on a Thursday afternoon like any other. Clarissa von Hauser, a resident of Greenwich, Connecticut, was hosting her bridge group, whose members were all young mothers. As expected they were discussing their children, and the conversation began as mundanely as could be expected:

“MY son Remington spit up a little bit the other day, and I swear it looked like a Chagall. He’s just so artistic already.”

“Well MY son Jameson is two and when he passes gas, it sounds exactly like Beethoven’s sixth. It’s remarkable how musical he is!”

“Well MY little Chauncy has the most beautiful boogers. They look exactly like my emeralds. There is really no ugliness to my dear boy; he’s going to be an Armani model someday.”

Finally, Clarissa chimed in. “Cranston is just a year old, but you won’t believe what he did the other day: he fit a round peg in a square hole! He just pushed, and eventually it went in! It was amazing how he knew it would happen; instead of acting like other children and trying a differently shaped hole, he used his brain and showed persistence. He is just like his father, you know, an absolute genius. It was a brilliant use of technology. I’m really so proud.”

The other mothers were spellbound, but one, Martha Hillcrest, was brave enough to try to steal Clarissa’s thunder: “The other day my Maxwell made his first solid poop. And at only a month old. Now that’s really something.”

Clarissa responded, “I suppose that’s lovely, but you know ever since I hired that Columbian nanny, my Cranston has been pooping in Spanish. He’s picked it up so fast it’s amazing. Now what language can your child poop in, dear?”

Given the nature of bridge group, the news spread fast, and the next morning Clarissa found herself with a slew of college recruiters and news vans on her lawn. When reporters questioned where she wanted to send her son for school, she replied “Oh no, most definitely not Stanford. You know how those Californians are. It simply must be an Ivy.”

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