This past week, news of the resignation of Marty Stepp, the subject of multiple Title IX investigations and a CS Lecturer who coincidentally was Facebook friends with an uncomfortable number of former students, shocked students and faculty across campus. The administration quickly jumped into high gear to do what it does best — promote social good through the invention of a new app and protecting student wellbeing  — by adding a new feature to the popular course-planning website Carta: the “Likelihood Your Professor Will Get MeToo’d” Statistic.

Along with such popular measurements as “Average Hours Per Week” and “Average Letter Grade Per Student,” the new “Likelihood Your Professor Will Get MeToo’d” statistic is being implemented in order to help students make sound, logical decisions when it comes to what courses they plan to take. If a student feels like their quarter is just a little too busy to pick up a course in which, at the very least, they’ll feel uncomfortable and, at worst, they’ll be coerced into potentially unwanted sexual conduct due to an unjust power imbalance, they can now quickly and easily hop onto Carta and check how likely it is that their MATH 51 instructor will be a major creep-o.

“We’re really targeting the root of this problem,” says Dirk Daddler, head CS consultant and ‘Resident Genius’ at Stanford Carta. “Instead of wasting money and resources on wild goose chases by holding comprehensive sexual harassment and misconduct trainings for all faculty, the “Likelihood Your Professor Will Get MeToo’d” statistic puts the power back in the hands of the students!”

As of press time, students were still waiting for the page on Carta to load due to increased traffic to the site, though Daddler assured that the wait times wouldn’t exceed four days, just in time for the add-drop deadline.

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