It was a day like any other when Arroyo freshman Anthony Stevens walked into his room only to see that yet another Stanford tour group had found its way into his extra-long twin bed. As he opened his door, 36 prospective freshman and their parents eagerly peered out from under his comforter and listened intently to the possibly hungover Stanford tour guide explain what they were witnessing: “Believe it or not, Anthony – HEY ANTHONY! – the kid who just walked into this room, actually sleeps in this very bed. What a crazy coincidence!”

            “At first I tried to ignore it,” said Stevens. “You know, I’d walk in, wave to the huddled mass of disinterested teenagers and pushy parents taking up half of my room, and try to watch some Netflix at my desk.” But this strategy lasted only a few weeks before Stevens felt that the tours were interfering with his personal schedule. “Yeah, sometimes they just won’t leave. Like once I came home at 10 at night, and the tour guide was still answering questions about ‘the perfect applicant.’ Then the next morning I woke up to find that all the high school students and their parents were collectively spooning me. I’ve never been such a small spoon.”

            Stevens claims that he feels humbled by the experience, but would like to shed his image as “that kid whose bed we touched with our butts,” in the coming months. “I guess there’s a time to move on, and for me, that time is just about exactly right now. Please. I’m really tired, and I have a class at 9,” he whimpered in the direction of the heap of people lumped next to him.

            As of press time, an agreement has been reached. According to University representatives, next year’s Convocation will be held on Stevens’s futon.

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