BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Last year, First Lady Michelle Obama opened a can of worms when she placed her hand on the back of Queen Elizabeth as they chatted at a reception. She was immediately criticized by the British and American media, which stated simply, “There’s just one rule you have to follow when you’re visiting Buckingham Palace, ‘Whatever you do, don’t touch the Queen!’” In light of these events, the British royal family is now in the midst of a scandal, as it has been discovered that the Queen regularly touches herself.

“We were shocked when we made this discovery. If my mother has been clear about anything, it’s that you don’t let anyone, and I mean anyone, touch the queen. She wouldn’t even let me play chess, and I’m her son,” said Prince Charles, the eldest son of Queen Elizabeth. 

Investigators report that the Queen touches herself at least five times a day. Chief investigator William Doyle explained, “Our best estimate is that the Queen touches herself in the shower, while she’s sleeping and even while she’s eating. Sometimes she even touches herself where everyone can see her—in front of cameras, the media and the royal family. It’s amazing no one has picked up on this before now.”

Despite the bed of trouble the Queen appears to be in, Diana Kingsly, expert in royal protocol, explained why the Queen might be okay: “The rule is not absolute. There are exceptions and corollaries. For example, if both parties in question are wearing gloves, it should be okay.”

Fortunately, the citizens of Great Britain empathize with the Queen. Scott Chumley shared his feelings with us. “I think it’s really awful what they’re doing to [the Queen]. I mean, I touch myself more than a few times every day. To demand that the Queen live without feeling her own touch is a bit extreme.” Others share Mr. Chumley’s feelings. Alicia Kensing said, “I understand what the Queen’s going through. People thought I was wrong when they saw me touching myself, too, but it’s really just unfair. Whatever happens with this investigation, Elizabeth will still be my Queen.”

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