By Vladimir Porterman
SACRAMENTO—Last week, the Alabama Legislature finalized a law to ban same-sex swing marriages. Preschool and elementary school children around the nation who have been swinging together will no longer be able to swing in unison, and this will be enforced by both recess supervisors and state law.
The overwhelmingly conservative Alabama state legislature felt a need to return to traditional values, such as no “chasing” at recess, no “card playing” or “wallball” and certainly no “swing marriages.”
“We don’t want these kids getting the wrong idea, even at an early age,” Alabama Governor Bob Riley commented. “These kids need to know that nowhere in the bible does it say that two people of the same sex can swing in unison. We define a swing marriage as between one little boy and one little girl, and even then, only with the consent of the parents and teachers.”
Same-sex swing marriages still do occur, to the disdain of the state. Those same-sex couples who want to get swing-married are still able to, but they are not recognized officially under state law. There are still rogue teachers who will recognize a same-sex swing marriage, but definitely not on the public school playground.

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