Important notice to all travelers in the United States: In light of the recent terrorist attack, The TSA has made several important changes to make air travel much more difficult for everyone and therefore, safer. We have raised the Annoyance Level from orange to total pain in the ass. The Threat Level has been raised from orange to orange. The Security Wait Time has been raised from 1 hour to at least 10 hours. Since 9/11, we have made traveling significantly more annoying, but clearly we haven’t made it enough of a total fucking impossibility.
We want to protect our nation, and we want to protect you, and we’ll do whatever it takes to annoy the terrorists out of our airports, or, barring that, we’ll do what we can to stop Americans from flying–the terrorists can’t blow up people on airplanes if there are no people on airplanes. Effective immediately, individuals will be required to pass through all security checkpoints twice, “random” screening will increase in frequency by 47% and underwear will be forbidden on all commercial flights. We hope these new regulations will make you absolutely resent flying, and we look forward to annoying you in the future.