By She

I am disgusted.  Everywhere I go these days, I find that any comment anybody makes that even has the slightest hint of being sexually charged is quoted as having come from my mouth.  This is defamation to the highest degree.  I am in a healthy, monogamous relationship. I teach elementary school children and donate to charities that feed hungry children in Zimbabwe. But everywhere I go, I am hounded by allegations that paint me as some kind of kinky, no-standards, two-bit whore. 

I was walking down my street last night and I saw my neighbor Neil walking his dog.  The dog said “Ruff”, and Neil looked at me, laughed, and said, “That’s what she said.” I went to a restaurant and I said to my waiter, “I’d like some extra cream sauce with my Italian sausage,” and he has the nerve to laugh and say, “That’s what she said.”

Even my own students, my kindergarteners, have not been sheltered from these rumors.  This is a failure not only on the part of their parents, but also on the part of society as a whole.  I feel utterly disrespected, and am calling for immediate action.  Congress must levy a fine on anybody who utters those four hurtful words so that I can be compensated for the damages that have been done to me.  If no law is passed within the next three months, I can assure you that I will be visiting the office of every single congressman, and I will not stop moaning and crying until they scream, “YES!”

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