Stanford Administration shocked the community last week when President and Gamemaker Marc Tessier-Lavigne emailed a recension of his recension of plans to bring frosh and sophomores to campus this winter, instead extending an invitation to “come to campus… if you dare.” Upon arriving, students found that a massive moat had been dug around the physical boundaries of Stanford University, and a daunting, ruthless obstacle course filled with of shifting blocks, demonic squirrels, and wickedly gleaming razor wire suspended above the treacherous waters.
“WELCOME TO STANFORD, MY WONDERFUL CONTESTANTS!” MTL’s gleeful Canadian voice echoed out from a shoddily-installed intercom system, cutting through the confused murmurs of the recently de-planed. “YOU WANTED TO COME TO CAMPUS THAT BAD? YOU MUST PROVE YOURSELF THROUGH THIS OLYMPIAD! WHAT YOU SEE IN FRONT OF YOU IS AN EXCRUCIATING EXAM, A PERILOUS PATH, A TRICKSY TEST OF DANGER AND WIT! MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE AND ANSWER MY RIDDLES THREE, AND YOU’LL GET TO STAY ON CAMPUS FOR A BIT—BUT WATCH OUT! THE MOAT IS FILLED WITH ACID, AND ALSO ALLIGATORS THAT BREATHE ACID. BRING ONLY WHAT YOU CAN CARRY WITH YOU THROUGH THE COURSE.”
Students daring enough to take on the challenges quickly met their match with tasks that included climbing Hoover Tower, avoiding an onslaught of careening bikes, and having a conversation with a Pro-Fro during which they did not mention the other colleges they got into.
While parents have expressed concern for the deaths and permanent maiming that this course will cause, health experts have agreed that it’s at least more sincere than having students on campus as normal and sending emails expressing shock and mourning when someone inevitably dies of COVID.