STANFORD UNDER INVESTIGATION BY DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY: University Reportedly Selling Student Drugs to Make Up for Rapidly Dwindling Endowment

April 24, 2020 4:44 pm

Following the well-handled and not-at-all-haphazard evacuation of undergraduate dorms, Stanford University has been faced with answering the question coming from many students — what the hell was going to happen to all their belongings left on campus, from vibrators and history textbooks to recreational drugs of all kinds and large pet iguanas.

“I’m not thrilled about this whole virus clusterfuck, either” said Vice Persis for student affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole, “but rest assured that so long as you are not a chef on the row house or a FLI student, Stanford will do everything it can to support you. This will include maybe packing up some of your shit from select unspecified dorms and sending it via pack mule sometime in the distant future.”

Shortly after this statement, The Flipside received a tip early this morning that SBC had been taken into custody by the Stanford Police Department on suspicion of drug trafficking. Reports indicate that the senior administrators used all confiscated alcohol for a “Kickback at Marc’s,” an event university insiders were invited to on Outlook. Following the event, administrators allegedly decided to try to sell all confiscated drugs found in dorm rooms in response to the plunging stock market and financial concerns coming from the board.

Sporting new quarantine bangs, MTL was last seen trying to bust Brubaker-Cole out of jail with an RA master key, pausing only to frantically exclaim, “These are extraordinary times. I tried everything, man.”

“That shit was crazy,” said one furloughed R&DE worker tasked with searching through rooms for drugs on his final day. “I found dead hamsters, your second lost key, puddles of tears, diaries that end on day 3. These kids left everything behind.”

The administration is accused of using the funds to top off the now-lacking endowment after a last dish effort was made to sell The Dish to oil companies, the Russians, and Joe Exotic. The university GoFundMe also raised less than was expected.

Administrators were quick to issue a statement that this was a necessary step, as maintaining the endowment means more than just paying its employees fairly. Said one, “without a consistent source of funding, we might be looking at a future where our dining halls exclusively serve perfectly imperfect roasted vegetables.”

Without proper funding, SCR projections indicate that Stanford will no longer be able to make good on its promise to gentrify the entire Bay Area over the next 25 years.