Punxsutawney, PA—In the timeless tradition of groundhogs that have come before him, Punxsutawney Phil came out last Monday, February 2nd and saw his shadow. Meteorologists and environmentalists around the world are stirring after an event with such revolutionary implications.
“Do you know what this means for global warming?” said one prominent environmentalist and scientist Lawrence Vandermeer. “Poof. Gone. Done. Finito–There are six more weeks of winter coming up–and that’s not global warming!” Science also is planning on rethinking its theory to incorporate the whims of a rodent. “How can you believe in global warming when there are unerring methods of prediction like groundhogs?”