As the Detroit Tigers take on the San Francisco Giants in the World Series, the downtrodden fans see little future for their team against these almost foreign competitors. Leaving whatever pride they had at the door, they have sought the assistance of President Obama to promote their city’s declining sports culture.

“Who knows if this is the Tigers will ever be in this position again?” worried native Detroiter Jerry Hodson. “This could be the last chance for Detroit. If the government doesn’t step in now, sports in Detroit could cease to relevant for good. Are the Lions even a thing anymore?”

President Obama has created a bipartisan committee of sports fans to make this difficult policy decision. After a few days of going over the stats, ticket sales and merch prices, the president has taken the advice of his advisors. In an emergency press conference, the president announced that he would oblige the pleading of the Detroiter and bail out the team.

“This is a moment of uncertainty in the sporting world,” he told reporters. “We cannot let one of our franchises fall to the wayside. We must lift them out of their three game deficit. We will support Detroit through this difficult time against their Giant competitors.”

Governor Romney reacted to this superfluous spending on the campaign trail: “I would have let Detroit get shut out.”

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