Speakeasies Open to Counter Dry Campus During Admit Weekend

April 29, 2013 12:03 pm
Speakeasies Open to Counter Dry Campus During Admit Weekend

The ProFros came around this weekend and the campus bulls started making the rounds to keep the campus dry, but the cats and dames of Stanford fought back by opening a run of speakeasy establishments around the place. The coolest eggs slunk outta their profro-filled dorms all weekend to any […]

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Sustainability Group Calls it Quits After Depleting Resources

February 27, 2012 6:00 am
Sustainability Group Calls it Quits After Depleting Resources

Since 1892, The Sierra Club has operated as a staunch advocate for environmental interests, sustainability, and responsible stewardship. Last week, however, members of the famous non-profit were stunned to discover that The Sierra Club had declared bankruptcy. According to a recent audit, the organization tripled its spending every year for […]

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Report: The Environment is Destroying the Environment

May 22, 2011 5:05 pm
Report: The Environment is Destroying the Environment

For years, environmental scientists blamed anthropogenic CO2 emissions for destroying the environment. However, a recent study by researchers at Stanford University found that the environment is itself to blame for much of the destruction to the environment. Hurricanes, forest fires, earthquakes, and tsunamis are all responsible for killing trees, displacing […]

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OPINION: Earth Day Perpetuates a Cycle of Planetary Discrimination

May 12, 2011 9:00 am
OPINION: Earth Day Perpetuates a Cycle of Planetary Discrimination

Every April 22, thousands come together to “celebrate the beauty of the planet we call home.” But while our precious “environmentalists” promote their ever so special “Earth Day,” they are doing nothing more than legitimizing planetary discrimination and Earth superiority. According to a recent survey conducted by Reuters News Service, […]

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Jell-O Seismic Detection System Goes Into Effect

May 1, 2011 3:10 pm
Jell-O Seismic Detection System Goes Into Effect

In light of the recent catastrophic earthquake and tsunami in Japan, Stanford’s Geophysics department has placed giant vats of Kraft Jell-O at various locations around campus. The initiative, spearheaded by earthquake-expert Professor Walker Johnson, has been met with great acclaim from both the university administration and student body. “We were […]

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United States Apologizes For Dropping Tsunami On Japan

April 4, 2011 8:22 pm
United States Apologizes For Dropping Tsunami On Japan

After much international pressure, The United States apologized for their use of Tsunamis on Japan, causing many issues with radiation. The United States thought it was an appropriate retaliatory measure for Pearl Harbor, but has since apologized for dropping the Tsunami. Humanitarianists around the world are clamoring for a disarmament […]

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Parents Still Really Amazed by the Potato Forks for Some Reason

March 1, 2011 9:30 am
Parents Still Really Amazed by the Potato Forks for Some Reason

Freshman Katie Swimmer took her parents to the Treehouse for lunch last weekend, but she couldn’t stop her parents from commenting on the potato forks they used to eat their meal. “They just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the damn potato forks,” commented Katie, “I haven’t seen them in […]

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Nation’s Hipsters Now Unsure How They Feel About Arcade Fire

February 20, 2011 5:52 pm
Nation’s Hipsters Now Unsure How They Feel About Arcade Fire

In the wake of Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs” winning album of the year at this year’s Grammys, the nation’s hipster community is reeling as it is forced to reevaluate its opinion of the former indie darlings. Since the release of 2004’s “Funeral,” Arcade Fire has been a favorite of hipster […]

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L’Oreal Unveils “Eco-Poo,” New Line of Fair-Trade, Gluten-Free, Feng-Shui Shampoo

January 14, 2011 9:00 am
L’Oreal Unveils “Eco-Poo,” New Line of Fair-Trade, Gluten-Free, Feng-Shui Shampoo

With environmental consciousness on the rise throughout the United States, product engineers at L’Oreal have resorted to extreme measures to tailor their shampoo to the eco-friendly. According to spokeswoman Sandra Mills, “no animals were harmed in the making of this shampoo. No rocks, boulders, or large trees were harmed in […]

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Stanford to Meet Electricity, Heating Needs by Harnessing President Hennessy’s Raw Sexual Energy

November 28, 2010 4:45 pm
Stanford to Meet Electricity, Heating Needs by Harnessing President Hennessy’s Raw Sexual Energy

In an effort to remain a leader in environmental sustainability, Stanford has announced plans to capture and use University President John Hennessy’s raw sexual energy to meet the campus’s ever-growing energy needs. Similar to wind or solar power, the plan relies on a converting a naturally abundant, renewable and seemingly […]

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