Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

May 22, 2014 9:00 am
Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

Last week’s high temperatures secured its spot as the hottest week in recent memory for Stanford students- possibly because winter just ended and we apparently have a two-week long memory for climate-oriented things, allowing us to complain at every slightest change in the weather. Regardless, despite this past week’s failure […]

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California Faces Devastating May Flower Shortage

May 5, 2014 12:00 pm
California Faces Devastating May Flower Shortage

The recent drought has forced us all to make sacrifices, from dry fountains to feeling guilty about running the shower to cover the sound of you pooping. But the ordeal is still far from over. The absence of April showers is hitting the May flower industry hard. California, the largest […]

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10 Plagues Strike Stanford

April 21, 2014 12:00 pm
10 Plagues Strike Stanford

Too long have students struggled under the yoke of p-sets and midterms. As Passover draws to an end, the suffering has been great as the Heavens cast down 10 plagues upon the campus of Stanford, to bestow freedom unto the student body. All the Jewish students are constipated, and that’s […]

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Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

April 16, 2014 9:00 am
Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

Many will remember the now infamous “Bike Ride of Terror” that left so much carnage strewn across campus last Wednesday. The hapless bike rider flew around at breakneck speeds, injuring dozens. Thirty-six independent bike collisions occurred before the rider flipped into a dry fountain. A tour group was also sideswiped. […]

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Pants-Wetting Trend Masked by Rain Downpour

March 11, 2014 9:00 am
Pants-Wetting Trend Masked by Rain Downpour

It has been confirmed that a number of students have been using the downpour as an opportunity to camouflage pissing themselves over the past week. This phenomenon was uncovered by Flipside investigators who observed that while the seats of many pant were soaked through, bike seats were no longer wet […]

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EANABs Tired of Being Judged Based Solely on Attractiveness

January 27, 2014 12:00 pm
EANABs Tired of Being Judged Based Solely on Attractiveness

Working against years of labeling and stereotypes, Equally Attractive Non-Alcoholic Beverages (EANABs) have begun to fight back against Stanford student’s widespread, intolerant tendency to judge them entirely on appearance. “Even before we got to Stanford, the discrimination began with AlcoholEDU,” explained an Organic 100% No Pulp Orange Juice speaking on […]

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Speakeasies Open to Counter Dry Campus During Admit Weekend

April 29, 2013 12:03 pm
Speakeasies Open to Counter Dry Campus During Admit Weekend

The ProFros came around this weekend and the campus bulls started making the rounds to keep the campus dry, but the cats and dames of Stanford fought back by opening a run of speakeasy establishments around the place. The coolest eggs slunk outta their profro-filled dorms all weekend to any […]

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Sustainability Group Calls it Quits After Depleting Resources

February 27, 2012 6:00 am
Sustainability Group Calls it Quits After Depleting Resources

Since 1892, The Sierra Club has operated as a staunch advocate for environmental interests, sustainability, and responsible stewardship. Last week, however, members of the famous non-profit were stunned to discover that The Sierra Club had declared bankruptcy. According to a recent audit, the organization tripled its spending every year for […]

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Report: The Environment is Destroying the Environment

May 22, 2011 5:05 pm
Report: The Environment is Destroying the Environment

For years, environmental scientists blamed anthropogenic CO2 emissions for destroying the environment. However, a recent study by researchers at Stanford University found that the environment is itself to blame for much of the destruction to the environment. Hurricanes, forest fires, earthquakes, and tsunamis are all responsible for killing trees, displacing […]

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OPINION: Earth Day Perpetuates a Cycle of Planetary Discrimination

May 12, 2011 9:00 am
OPINION: Earth Day Perpetuates a Cycle of Planetary Discrimination

Every April 22, thousands come together to “celebrate the beauty of the planet we call home.” But while our precious “environmentalists” promote their ever so special “Earth Day,” they are doing nothing more than legitimizing planetary discrimination and Earth superiority. According to a recent survey conducted by Reuters News Service, […]

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