10 Plagues Strike Stanford

April 21, 2014 12:00 pm
10 Plagues Strike Stanford

Too long have students struggled under the yoke of p-sets and midterms. As Passover draws to an end, the suffering has been great as the Heavens cast down 10 plagues upon the campus of Stanford, to bestow freedom unto the student body. All the Jewish students are constipated, and that’s […]

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Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

April 16, 2014 9:00 am
Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

Many will remember the now infamous “Bike Ride of Terror” that left so much carnage strewn across campus last Wednesday. The hapless bike rider flew around at breakneck speeds, injuring dozens. Thirty-six independent bike collisions occurred before the rider flipped into a dry fountain. A tour group was also sideswiped. […]

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Pants-Wetting Trend Masked by Rain Downpour

March 11, 2014 9:00 am
Pants-Wetting Trend Masked by Rain Downpour

It has been confirmed that a number of students have been using the downpour as an opportunity to camouflage pissing themselves over the past week. This phenomenon was uncovered by Flipside investigators who observed that while the seats of many pant were soaked through, bike seats were no longer wet […]

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EANABs Tired of Being Judged Based Solely on Attractiveness

January 27, 2014 12:00 pm
EANABs Tired of Being Judged Based Solely on Attractiveness

Working against years of labeling and stereotypes, Equally Attractive Non-Alcoholic Beverages (EANABs) have begun to fight back against Stanford student’s widespread, intolerant tendency to judge them entirely on appearance. “Even before we got to Stanford, the discrimination began with AlcoholEDU,” explained an Organic 100% No Pulp Orange Juice speaking on […]

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Speakeasies Open to Counter Dry Campus During Admit Weekend

April 29, 2013 12:03 pm
Speakeasies Open to Counter Dry Campus During Admit Weekend

The ProFros came around this weekend and the campus bulls started making the rounds to keep the campus dry, but the cats and dames of Stanford fought back by opening a run of speakeasy establishments around the place. The coolest eggs slunk outta their profro-filled dorms all weekend to any […]

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Sustainability Group Calls it Quits After Depleting Resources

February 27, 2012 6:00 am
Sustainability Group Calls it Quits After Depleting Resources

Since 1892, The Sierra Club has operated as a staunch advocate for environmental interests, sustainability, and responsible stewardship. Last week, however, members of the famous non-profit were stunned to discover that The Sierra Club had declared bankruptcy. According to a recent audit, the organization tripled its spending every year for […]

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Report: The Environment is Destroying the Environment

May 22, 2011 5:05 pm
Report: The Environment is Destroying the Environment

For years, environmental scientists blamed anthropogenic CO2 emissions for destroying the environment. However, a recent study by researchers at Stanford University found that the environment is itself to blame for much of the destruction to the environment. Hurricanes, forest fires, earthquakes, and tsunamis are all responsible for killing trees, displacing […]

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OPINION: Earth Day Perpetuates a Cycle of Planetary Discrimination

May 12, 2011 9:00 am
OPINION: Earth Day Perpetuates a Cycle of Planetary Discrimination

Every April 22, thousands come together to “celebrate the beauty of the planet we call home.” But while our precious “environmentalists” promote their ever so special “Earth Day,” they are doing nothing more than legitimizing planetary discrimination and Earth superiority. According to a recent survey conducted by Reuters News Service, […]

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Jell-O Seismic Detection System Goes Into Effect

May 1, 2011 3:10 pm
Jell-O Seismic Detection System Goes Into Effect

In light of the recent catastrophic earthquake and tsunami in Japan, Stanford’s Geophysics department has placed giant vats of Kraft Jell-O at various locations around campus. The initiative, spearheaded by earthquake-expert Professor Walker Johnson, has been met with great acclaim from both the university administration and student body. “We were […]

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United States Apologizes For Dropping Tsunami On Japan

April 4, 2011 8:22 pm
United States Apologizes For Dropping Tsunami On Japan

After much international pressure, The United States apologized for their use of Tsunamis on Japan, causing many issues with radiation. The United States thought it was an appropriate retaliatory measure for Pearl Harbor, but has since apologized for dropping the Tsunami. Humanitarianists around the world are clamoring for a disarmament […]

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