Vibrating intensely with anticipation, a stairway railing in Huang Engineering Center reportedly waited eagerly for the young, sweaty feel of students’ hands all over it following Thursday’s Physics 43 lecture. “Oh, I just love this,” whispered the metal railing, shaking slightly as students’ footsteps rang loudly on the floor below. “It’s just what I need this time of day—lead and ink-stained palms running up and down me, encircling me at every point along my cylindrical length. My God, it’s such a rush.”

The railing went on to explain that the mass exodus of students was really “the only part of the day [it] enjoyed,” expressing that it otherwise “gets way too lonely.” The railing, running along the outside of a lecture hall, is one of the only railings on this side of the building, and definitely the only one that gets carnal pleasure out of being used. “I mean, don’t get me wrong—there are worse places to be,” the elongated metal rod admitted frankly, clarifying that its basement friends “get way less action.” “Still, it would be nice if it happened a little more often, and maybe even with fewer people—in fact, I wouldn’t even mind if it were just one person I really liked. That could be nice.”

At press time, the railing confirmed that the students were everything it wanted and more—though one, perhaps, was a little too rough.

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