BRYAN, TX—Four months into Elizabeth Holmes’s high-profile prison sentence, Flipside reporters infiltrated the prison grounds to gain an exclusive interview with the disgraced Theranos CEO herself. As Holmes contemplated how her life had quickly turned from an up-and-coming Stanford student to a convicted felon, Holmes was surprisingly optimistic about her current living situation.
“Quite frankly, prison life is going pretty well—I consider it a vast improvement from my time at Stanford,” Holmes said with her signature baritone voice. “I remember I ate at Manzanita Dining a few times—or I guess it’s called Casper now—and the chicken was drier than a Data Analysis major’s girlfriend. Honestly, that chicken is the real fraud. Someone should investigate that.”
Holmes was adamant that the gray slop and chewy bread given by Federal Prison Camp, Bryan was still far superior to the offerings at Casper: “Yeah, prison food isn’t that great, but whenever I feel down, I just think about the garbage Casper forced on those poor Stanford students and how unbelievably destroyed those toilets were the next morning.”
During the interview, Holmes provided the Flipside team an exclusive sample of her leftover prison breakfast. We universally agreed that the gray slop, while suspicious, still beats the cold breakfast served at Casper.
Despite her flawed past, Holmes left us with wise parting advice, “Stanford students should really avoid Casper at all costs—just go to Wilbur, it’s nearby and so much better.”