Reporting that exacerbating the possibility of a relapse into a widespread agricultural and public health crisis incurs absolutely no personal guilt, Stanford student Jack Rogers (Earth Sys ‘18) told multiple sources that he feels completely comfortable wasting water now that Northern California’s recent severe water shortage has been over for a relatively short period of time.

“Sure, while the drought was happening it was pretty serious stuff,” said Jack, aggressively guzzling a bottle of water while running his hand through the fountain outside Green Library, “but now that the unprecedented environmental disaster is a faint memory, it’s kind of moved to the bottom of my mental checklist.”

Freshly emergent from a 45 minute shower, a fellow student reported seeing the member of Students for a Sustainable Stanford brush his teeth with the faucet on full blast for no less than 8 run throughs of the alphabet, exclaiming that “with California’s water flowing like milk and honey, there’s no reason you can’t be extra careful of cavities.” Nevertheless, Rogers continues to display his well-researched knowledge of the intricacies of the drought with comments like “geez, all this water on my bike seat could fill the San Luis reservoir, am I right?,” before muttering under his breath that he can’t even remember the last day it didn’t rain.

The socially conscious student expressed genuine surprise that some thought his actions were distasteful considering the drought ended less than three fortnights ago; “I can’t even remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, but suddenly it’s frowned upon to stay well hydrated, thoroughly clean myself?” “Maybe political correctness really has gone too far” he dejectedly lamented before heading to flush the toiled over and over again just for kicks.

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