Post Tagged with: "election"

A Royal Decree from DavidMan to the Stanford Community

April 16, 2019 7:00 pmComments Off on A Royal Decree from DavidMan to the Stanford Community
A Royal Decree from DavidMan to the Stanford Community

To Our Loyal Constituents  Serfs, We, the DavidMan, have deigned to take valuable time out of our day to address the peasantry; so hear our words, and take heed. It has come to our attention that we completely and utterly dominated the recent ASSU election in a landslide vote — the […]

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Report: Essay Still Due

November 9, 2016 5:24 pmComments Off on Report: Essay Still Due
Report: Essay Still Due

Sources indicate that your essay is still due this Thursday at 5:00 PM PST. Your professor is touched by your email, and understands how you’re feeling, but unfortunately will not change the deadline. He wants you to know that he is also very upset, and regrettably will continue to be so while grading your […]

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Kasich Cashes in on Second-Place Bet, Promptly Drops Out

May 9, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Kasich Cashes in on Second-Place Bet, Promptly Drops Out
Kasich Cashes in on Second-Place Bet, Promptly Drops Out

COLUMBUS, OH- Following the news of Senator Ted Cruz’s decision to drop out of the Republican primary, Ohio governor John Kasich was spotted at the Port Columbus International Airport whooping at the top of his lungs. While jostling for a spot in line for the next Southwest flight to Vegas, […]

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Falling In Polls, Rubio Unleashes ‘First The Worst, Second The Best’ Strategy

March 7, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Falling In Polls, Rubio Unleashes ‘First The Worst, Second The Best’ Strategy
Falling In Polls, Rubio Unleashes ‘First The Worst, Second The Best’ Strategy

Fresh off a string of disappointing Super Tuesday results, Marco Rubio has responded to accusations that his campaign is flailing by rolling out a bold new strategy designed to appeal to undecided voters. “Look,” Rubio said on the campaign trail in Boca Raton with uncharacteristic buoyancy, “We all know first […]

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Crack Team of Eleven Men Led by George Clooney Only Group That Can Stop Trump

February 29, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Crack Team of Eleven Men Led by George Clooney Only Group That Can Stop Trump
Crack Team of Eleven Men Led by George Clooney Only Group That Can Stop Trump

As business magnate Donald Trump’s ascent to the Republican nomination comes to seem increasingly inevitable, GOP lawmakers are scrambling for alternative strategies to slow his momentum. Given that his closest challengers are Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, Republican leaders have had to look outside the political sphere in order to […]

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Smart Man Votes For Correct Candidate in Primary

February 8, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Smart Man Votes For Correct Candidate in Primary
(c) Wellcome Library; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation
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National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders

May 6, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders
National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders

Friday, the United States electorate discovered a brand new variety of person within the genus of old white men running for political office.  Old White Men, a group historically known for their position of ignorant privilege in American society, has now been found to include a unique environmentally-conscious breed known […]

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Study Finds News of 2016 Election Best Taken Rectally

March 30, 2015 12:01 pmComments Off on Study Finds News of 2016 Election Best Taken Rectally
Study Finds News of 2016 Election Best Taken Rectally

With the recent announcement of Ted Cruz’s presidential bid, coverage of the nascent 2016 presidential campaign has finally begun. How, though, can the average American digest this deluge of information? A study released on Sunday by the Barns Center for Political Science confirms that Americans’ top option is to shove it […]

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Ohioans Return to Meaningless, Insignificant Ohio Lives

November 12, 2012 12:01 pmComments Off on Ohioans Return to Meaningless, Insignificant Ohio Lives
Ohioans Return to Meaningless, Insignificant Ohio Lives
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Jill Stein Not a Real Person

November 6, 2012 3:00 pmComments Off on Jill Stein Not a Real Person
Jill Stein Not a Real Person

A scientific study conducted by the University of Delaware has indicated that Jill Stein is in fact an automaton created by the other candidates in an effort to make them seem more human and relatable. After weeks of analysis of her speech patterns, body language, and policies, Dr. Martin McKenzie […]

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