Study Finds News of 2016 Election Best Taken Rectally

March 30, 2015 12:01 pm
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Study Finds News of 2016 Election Best Taken Rectally

With the recent announcement of Ted Cruz’s presidential bid, coverage of the nascent 2016 presidential campaign has finally begun. How, though, can the average American digest this deluge of information? A study released on Sunday by the Barns Center for Political Science confirms that Americans’ top option is to shove it up their bottom.

 “It was really a matter of how to best absorb the bombardment of news stories that the American people will confront over the next nineteen months,” said Dr. Hugo Salford, head of the Barns Center. “After exhaustive research, we found that the optimal way for the average voter to process all this news-blustering is to insert it rectally.”

According to the study, election news can “go in one ear and out the other” when absorbed through the auditory system, and newspaper reading is for old people and Communists. Researchers concluded that the anal canal is the most convenient and safe path for the news to follow, also noting that memory is boosted by the anus’s high rate of retention.

Dr. Salford concluded in his interview, “This study confirms what many have already assumed. The best thing we can do with all the sensational election news is to take it, roll it up into a nice compact tube, and shove it up our asses.”