COLUMBUS, OH- Following the news of Senator Ted Cruz’s decision to drop out of the Republican primary, Ohio governor John Kasich was spotted at the Port Columbus International Airport whooping at the top of his lungs. While jostling for a spot in line for the next Southwest flight to Vegas, a handle of Fireball tucked under his arm, Kasich told reporters that he was on his way to cash in a months-old bet that he would finish second in the GOP race.
“When this whole thing started last summer, no one paid any attention to me,” Kasich said while buying six individual bags of cheddar bugles from a magazine stand. “Who do you think I am? Martin O’Malley?”
It wasn’t long before Kasich adopted a new strategy. “I saw that the bookies had me at 5000/1 odds of finishing in second and, suddenly, my path forward was clear. I just laid low during the debates and let the other candidates eat themselves alive.”
“And, just to make sure that my Midwestern charm didn’t accidentally lift me into the lead, I made sure to remind everyone that I voted for Medicaid expansion and attended a gay wedding that one time. I wasn’t taking any chances.”
Kasich went on to note that Cruz’s announcement forced him to act quickly to cash in on his bet, lest frontrunner Donald J. Trump drop out first and leave the governor in the unenviable position of being the default nominee.
Mr. Kasich was last seen boarding the plane, sporting a hawaiian shirt, the universal sign of someone ready for a looooong vacation.
