Fresh off a string of disappointing Super Tuesday results, Marco Rubio has responded to accusations that his campaign is flailing by rolling out a bold new strategy designed to appeal to undecided voters.
“Look,” Rubio said on the campaign trail in Boca Raton with uncharacteristic buoyancy, “We all know first is the worst, second’s the best, and third’s the one with the hairy chest. And, believe you me, Ted Cruz’s chest is disgusting.” Turning his attention to the other contenders, Rubio noted that Ohio governor John Kasich was a “feeny feeny bo beeny, but one whose gubernatorial experience is to be praised and who would make an excellent running mate.” He also stated that probable opponent Hillary Clinton, “has a whole mess of cooties that she got from hanging out and gossiping with her friends in the Cabinet.” Pressed for further comment, he exclaimed that nuh uh, she was not his girlfriend, and that girls were icky and gross.
Rubio’s strategy is designed to appeal to younger Republican voters, many of whom remain undecided. In fact, a recent study showed that 80% of GOP-leaning kindergarteners did not know who Rubio was. Despite the new plan, Rubio’s best hope still seems to be a brokered convention, where he will aim to win a best-of-7 Rock-Paper-Scissors or, failing that, a spirited round of ‘Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.’