To Our Loyal
We, the DavidMan, have deigned to take valuable time out of our day to address the peasantry; so hear our words, and take heed. It has come to our attention that we completely and utterly dominated the recent ASSU election in a landslide vote — the very same landslide, incidentally, that tragically buried the other candidates, several of whom remain missing. So while search-and-rescue teams dig for their bodies, we thought we’d compose this edict to explain our mild gratitude for your support and, more importantly, why we cannot accept the position.
Well, we can, obviously. We just don’t want to.
While we are indeed delighted at this overwhelming victory, we — simply put — have bigger fish to fry (including several plump trout and one oddly hairy mackerel). Electoralism is, obviously, a sham; true power comes from physical strength, which is why we’re taking off our royal robes and replacing them with the fortified Kevlar vests of a secret vigilante team that kicks ass, takes name, and learns a thing or two about friendship along the way. But we digress…
Some naysayers will claim that we’re turning the ASSU executiveship down because of that Twitter scandal: the one where SCR totally exposed our tweets about how Israel, men, white people, the Constitution, and America are all “suck ass” and/or “suck-ass.” Well, those people can go deep-throat a telephone pole, or something equally phallic and wood-splinter-y. We stand by those tweets and the hellish fever dream that forged them.
Yes, we would have loved to watch you all labor in Wilbur field, building a giant platinum statue of our hunched, dual-bodied form — but we’re not going to do that. Come the autumn harvest, you will instead be working in the service of some other, lesser slate. No, this noble retreat of ours is done for the greater good. Because we’re very big-hearted. (Just MASSIVE ventricles, oh my gawdddd. If Lance Armstrong and Mother Teresa had a child, it would be us, and we’d die of heart disease before puberty).
So though we must abandon this hard-won post, we urge you all to carry on our legacy. Yell at strangers! Show up at formal events unannounced and underdressed! And, most importantly, give your elected officials hell! After all, as V for Vendetta always says: “Please stop quoting me.”
That’s all from us. Toodles.
— DavidMan, the Man who is David