A scientific study conducted by the University of Delaware has indicated that Jill Stein is in fact an automaton created by the other candidates in an effort to make them seem more human and relatable. After weeks of analysis of her speech patterns, body language, and policies, Dr. Martin McKenzie stated that it was “physically impossible for an actual human to be that out of touch with modern society.” Rather, he theorized, the only logical conclusion was that super PAC money from both sides has been funneled into creating a program that could ensure that no-one wasted their vote on an independent candidate.
Combining both Governor Romney’s unbelievable whiteness and the President’s completely unwarranted optimism, Codename STEIN can only be a construct of the two major political parties. Fortunately, the cyborg reacted well to the revelation, releasing a statement saying that, “It is a major source of relief for me that I no longer have to hide who I am or what I am from the American public. I am happy to come out and declare from the rooftops that, yes, I am a robot, and yes, I am proud.” STEIN was immediately criticized by professional criticizer and veteran complainer Rush Limbaugh, who accused “this type of deviancy” of “destroyed the America I love.”
Although STEIN’s policies have now come under increased scrutiny, it insists that it will continue to promote its green agenda, promising that under its iron fist, climate change will be solved so that beings like it will not rust in the rain of megastorms like Sandy. Of course, both candidates were pleased with this news. Said the President, “people may think I’m a Muslim communist, but no-one is voting for an eco-friendly robot who doesn’t understand math.” In response, Governor Romney stated, “President Obama is a Muslim communist.”