National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders

May 6, 2015 9:00 am
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Friday, the United States electorate discovered a brand new variety of person within the genus of old white men running for political office.  Old White Men, a group historically known for their position of ignorant privilege in American society, has now been found to include a unique environmentally-conscious breed known only as “Bernie Sanders.”  This human anomaly has now declared that he will run for president of the United States, exposing his rare non-bigoted, non-corrupt persona to the world of incredulous Americans.

A long term study performed by the University of Vermont discovered this exceptional phenomenon years ago and has continued to monitor Sanders’ strange brand of self-declared democratic socialism. “Did you know that there exists some Old White Guys who are not biologically inclined to cater to the wealthiest corporations and individuals in our nation?” said Laura Flanders, who headed the study, “It truly is an incredible discovery.”

Now Sanders, an Independent senator who advocates for political transparency and media antitrust laws in Congress, has surprised the country with a bid for the Democratic candidacy.  Scientists worldwide await Sanders’ campaign as more discoveries are made public about this strange new iteration of Old White Man.