Admin Announces Fall Quarter Plan: Stanford at Sea

May 17, 2020 11:41 am
Admin Announces Fall Quarter Plan: Stanford at Sea

After weeks of long-winded statements with no new information, President Tessier-Lavigne’s most recent email was a welcome change. He and the Vice Provost for Maritime Operations Brett Crozier announced on Monday the much-anticipated plans for Stanford’s fall 2020 quarter. “Ahoy mateys,” the email began, “after careful consideration of the 2020 […]

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PWR Director Announces Students can Replace PWR 1 by Ghostwriting MTL’s Emails

11:40 am
PWR Director Announces Students can Replace PWR 1 by Ghostwriting MTL’s Emails

Recently, PWR faculty director Adam Banks announced that students could apply to ghostwrite President Marc Tessier–Lavigne’s coronavirus update emails instead of taking PWR 1. The idea was actually President Tessier–Lavigne’s own.  “It’s easy, really – I just don’t have the time,” said Tessier–Lavigne, as he invested 10% of the endowment […]

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Stanford to Bring Back All Those Experiments from the ‘60s Where They’d, Like, Give Teenagers Shrooms and Then Electrocute Them

May 12, 2020 4:32 pm
Stanford to Bring Back All Those Experiments from the ‘60s Where They’d, Like, Give Teenagers Shrooms and Then Electrocute Them

Facing a budget shortfall amid the coronavirus crisis, the Stanford administration has announced plans to reinvigorate school finances by reintroducing those fucked up experiments they used to do back in the ‘60s. You know, the ones where they’d, like, give a bunch of local teens psilocybin and then electrocute them […]

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An Open Letter to My Aunt Doris Who is Learning to Use the Internet

4:30 pm
An Open Letter to My Aunt Doris Who is Learning to Use the Internet

Dear Aunt Doris, I am proud of you. You have worked hard and you can now use the internet and also dance. I know that this is a strange time, but I love you. Aunt Doris, your husband is a farmer in Idaho and so are you. Thank goodness: you […]

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Stanford Administration Releases Video of Contract Worker Praising Stanford While Held at Gunpoint

4:17 pm
Stanford Administration Releases Video of Contract Worker Praising Stanford While Held at Gunpoint

Following controversy over inaction and misleading statements regarding the University’s plans to cut benefits and pay to contract workers, Provost Persis Drell’s latest email to students and faculty did little to calm the growing outrage among the community. After a warm greeting consisting of a three-hundred-word monologue describing where Susie […]

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Op-Ed: The One Upside of Zoom University? Not Getting Punched Every Time I Tell Dr. Martin He Doesn’t Deserve Tenure

4:14 pm
Op-Ed: The One Upside of Zoom University? Not Getting Punched Every Time I Tell Dr. Martin He Doesn’t Deserve Tenure

Sure, it’s a little scary to see Dr. Martin on Zoom with his face shrouded and voice gravelly, talking about the death of all good things. Sure, it’s concerning to see him go on wild tangents about his third ex-wife or the time he lived as a sex worker in […]

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Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

May 11, 2020 9:11 pm
Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

I got a job at NASA for the summer. You wouldn’t have heard about it, it was a secret internship where you had to crack a code on their website and then you could find out how to apply. And when I showed up for the interview I gave them […]

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Op-Ed: My Super Exclusive Internship with NASA Was Just Cancelled So I Guess I’m Stuck Slumming It in My Huge London Flat

9:10 pm
Op-Ed: My Super Exclusive Internship with NASA Was Just Cancelled So I Guess I’m Stuck Slumming It in My Huge London Flat

So there I was, just sitting in my trophy room in my super big house where all the celebrities live just watching ESPN’s top 10 plays from my little league season back in ’07 when the president of nasa snapchats me that my exclusive internship this summer is cancelled cause […]

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Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart

9:08 pm
Op-Ed: I Was Going to Work at NASA and Now I Am Not, But I Was Going To and I Am Smart

I’m just writing this so all of you know that, even though I won’t be working at NASA this summer, I was totally going to. Just to be clear, I was chosen from a very large applicant pool of hot geniuses because I am the best. And also, I am […]

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Op-Ed: I Had the NASA Internship Where They Make Me the Astronaut, But Then It Got Canceled Because of Coronavirus

9:07 pm
Op-Ed: I Had the NASA Internship Where They Make Me the Astronaut, But Then It Got Canceled Because of Coronavirus

Okay, I’m pissed. One month ago, I had this summer all figured out: women, white claw, and the most prestigious NASA internship that they have, where they make me the big astronaut who goes up into space with the fast rocket ships. But thanks to this “corono virus,” there will […]

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