Hello to all those that RSVP’D–we are SO excited to invite you into our home on Saturday! Gerald, (now one) our pride and joy, is overjoyed that you all will make it to see him as well as his first, big stink! As many of you may know, this is a huge accomplishment for Gerald, whose incontinence had rendered him immobile, irascible, and as melancholy as a baby could be. Now, Gerald could not possibly get happier! I could not imagine him with a larger smile on his sweet honey glazed chubby cheeks! After expunging an oeuvre from his sphincter–a whopping, near impossible, 53 pounds of bestial memorabilia that destroyed much of the infrastructure of our neighbor Tracy’s deck–with the sound of a cannon shot, Jacob and I cried tears. Real tears. We are so happy that you all are coming!
As far as parking goes, we recommend keeping a distance of several miles and walking. For attire, we recommend biograde hazmat suits and strong nose plugs, which is what Jacob and I will be wearing–we can send a follow-up email with Amazon links. The noxious fumes emitted by the transcendental sonata of Gerald’s rectum, albeit the sweetest perfume a parent could ask for after their child had been deprived of colon-orgasm, is understandably an obstacle. We will work around any concerns you have.
The Big Stink itself will be in the foyer, bolted shut by the US Department of Health for safety reasons. The Godless atmosphere of the surrounding areas has been a concern of Jacob and I. Both of us have lost our jobs. The chernobyl-like blast has cleared much of the life around, but we hope with our little soiree, dignity will return to our family and zip code. Please don’t bring presents, but if you would like to add a small card on our shrine for Tracy, we would love to ornament her grave more. The proud, lapidary shrapnel of the Big Stink, having narrowly avoided Jacob and I, plunged into her heart, killing her instantly, painlessly. We promise that she, too, was weeping for joy.
Our thoughts and prayers to Tracy’s children, who will be attending. This event is intended as a dual-celebration and funeral for, I think in these times we would be remiss to not acknowledge the inextricable nature of life and death–the metabolic cycle in between. Oh, and disregard our previous emails about dietary restrictions.
We hope to see you soon,
Jacob and Whitney.