As an athlete at Leland Stamford Junior University, I am unequivocally incensed by the suggestion that perhaps the students admitted as a result of their Olympian prowess might not be quiiiiiiite as shrewd as their feeble-bodied counterparts. You know, the ones for whom intellectual acumen, and not how hard they can yeet a ball, was a central criterion for admission. Nonetheless, I was shocked – nay, gobsmacked – to learn that much of the student population bought into this “absurd slander.” In fact, reading such blasphemous libel gave me several “gastrointestinal pathologies,” which is the only reason that I and the rest of my team live in Mirrielees.
In fact, I was so perturbed by the anti-athlete sentiment promulgated by The Daily that I had to write this article to prove that Stamford’s athletes are of the utmost intelligence. As I seek to discredit the “untrue falsehoods” that have been circulating of late, I want to point out that anti-sportsperson bias is just as bad as, if not worse than, any other form of marginalization found on campus. The administration even forces us to wear matching backpacks so people can identify us in public. Even more egregious, the university cordons us off from the larger population; they offer me private tutoring, free athlete-only meals, and a generous stipend, all because I run around a track like a little hamster. And to insinuate that maybe we have special privileges? Defamation!
I can veraciously assert that the “cash-strapped athletic department,” acknowledged to be among the Stamford’s most underfunded, does not provide clandestine benefits to anybody. I’m telling you, it’s just sheer luck that half the football team rides around on fucking motorcycles. Any data that suggests otherwise is outdated (the sailing team doesn’t count). Also, we’re smart as shit. I know how to use the word “rancorous” (kind of), and I also know this: if you think athletes are resented for any reason other than utter jealousy of our chiseled calves, you are “problematically misinformed.”