I meet Jerry Springer every Wednesday night to go duckpin bowling. It’s happened like this ever since I met this girl and told her I wanted to play megabucks with her sister and then Jerry Springer told me I was not the father of her child. We were in the middle of the local park, this girl had never been pregnant–this being my first time meeting her, and Jerry Springer was wearing bowling shoes and positively binned off bath salts. 

I bring a ham sandwich this Wednesday because my wife has been telling me to chew more thoroughly. I’m really taking my time, counting how many times I chew. 33. 34. 35.  I meet Jerry Springer in his car. He is not wearing pants, but he quickly puts them on. 66. 67. 69. Jerry Springer takes a bump of xanax off of his steering wheel. 103. 104. 105. I finish my ham sandwich.

I take my tongue and search along my gums for caked ham. Jerry Springer is humming a marching tune. He is getting ready for bowling by banging his head on the steering wheel. I need to get ready for bowling too. I bang my head on the car three times and I feel dizzy. But then I find the last piece of ham in my gums and I am satisfied. So satisfied.

The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah

I could speak about the time me and Jerry Springer returned to the center of the earth. Or when we played twister and I lost a little piggy in his market. Me and Jerry Springer were like, Where’d that toe go! Popped clean off! I could speak about when me and Jerry Springer robbed every deli in the tri-state area for roast beef and then hung it all off a water tower in western Iowa. I could speak about Jerry Springer’s trouble with human connection. I could speak about it all. But the best is the day Jerry Springer and me became Jerry Springer and I.

After me and Jerry Springer get ready for bowling and I clean my mouth of ham, we wander into the duckpin alley. Jerry Springer enthusiastically buys five pairs of bowling shoes. Jerry Springer doesn’t even take five steps from the register before he starts eating the size thirteens. He buys three pairs for himself and two for me. 

Just in case I want to try it.

This night, Jerry Springer eats two pairs of his shoes and then puts on the third. And I eat one too. Size eights. 12. 13. 14. This is my first time eating a shoe. Jerry Springer cradles my cheek and a fat tear boulders its way down his face. 36. 37. 38.

Oops I threw up the shoe. And the ham sandwich.

It’s okay. Jerry Springer just hugs me.

-daywhim 4

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