Dear gracienewman@stanford.edu,

Let me explain a little something to you about unsubscribing from our emails.  Every single time someone clicks that shadowed, corner button so aptly labeled “Unsubscribe”, we get a notification.  Do you know what that notification says, gracienewman@stanford.edu?  

It says “You’re fucking worthless.”  It says “Eat shit, dirt boy.”  Not literally, but it might as well.  You don’t want to read our articles, gracienewman@stanford.edu?  Why not?  Do you think you’re better than us?  You’re despicable.  

You know what?  It’s fine, gracienewman@stanford.edu.  We’re going to write a whole article about you.  It’s going to be wondrous, and tell all your dirty little secrets.  And you’re not even going to see it.  Listen up, loyal readers: here’s everything we could dig up about gracienewman@stanford.edu.

Living in Narnia, room 213B, we observed gracienewman@stanford.edu waking up at 10:30 AM to depart for their first class of the day.  Lazy.  This gave us a good five hours to dig through their personal possessions in their room, during which we found a surprising lack of condoms.  Don’t practice safe sex?  That’s even more embarrassing.  A picture of gracienewman@stanford.edu’s boyfriend was framed on the desk – thankfully, we were able to identify the individual, and are holding him hostage at the Stanford Flipside club room.  We also found adorable photos of gracienewman@stanford.edu with their parents, which we immediately burned.

A note to all readers: don’t fuck with us.  We will shatter you, gnawing at the defeated person that remains.  Good luck saving your boyfriend, gracienewman@stanford.edu, and welcome to the Flipside, motherfucker.  

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