Deaugh Laboratories, Seattle, Washington —  After nearly 15 years of research, Chief Scientist O. B. Vyuss and his team have concluded that children conceived in a Coachella tent really won’t have much going for them at all. The findings are to be presented at the 2017 Pacific International Scientist Summit, and have garnered substantial attention within and beyond the academic community.

“We began our experiment with a dozen pairs of male and female common lab rats,” explained Vyuss. “We bred half of these pairs in normal conditions and the other half in close proximity to large quantities of fake ecstasy, Tame Impala, and girls wearing dandelion crowns. We derived a general metric for the quality of rat’s life through a calculation involving its credit score, its affinity for huffing glue, and frequency of face tattoos. We then subjected our data to several rounds of scrutiny in the Sahara Tent.”

Vyuss’s team found that, after 14 generations, the lives of rats bred in proxy Coachella conditions were, on average, “like way super worse” than those of the control group. The team also tangentially uncovered that rats — in all cases —  rarely call each other back after intercourse, though they will occasionally send a tepid LinkedIn request.

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