BEIJING, CHINA—Despite desperate measures taken by the United States to improve proficiency in reading and writing, a recent Pew study has revealed that much of China is failing to keep up with US standards in English.

“These kids are performing at almost two to five years behind their expected grade level,” said Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education.  “We see constant childish errors like messing up ‘there’ and ‘their’ dropping prepositions, and slipping in and out of other languages. It’s almost as if these kids don’t speak our language.”

This issue has recently become a national concern as parents around the United States worry that if Chinese students don’t improve their English skills, American children may be forced to learn another language.

“I’m not ready for that kind of culture shift,” said mother Hillary Dessin of Scarsdale, New York. “I only want my kids to speak one language, and that’s American.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…