Heaven admitted only 3.12 million people this year, marking the lowest acceptance rate that the world has seen to date. Heaven’s Dean of Admissions St. Peter, one of the twelve apostles of Christ and department of admissions chairperson, reported that Heaven received an astounding 55.8 million applications over the course of 2013, and was only able to offer admission to 3.12 million, a 5.5% acceptance rate.

“Heaven has been exceedingly fortunate to attract a simply amazing group of applicants from all over the world,” reported St. Peter, whom most Christian denominations venerate as a major saint and associate with the founding of early Christianity in Rome, “We are truly humbled by the exceptional accomplishments of the candidates who have been admitted, as well as by the competitive strength of all the applicants.”

Candidates have the option of regular admission or early decision, in which applicants who are completely confident in their commitment to Heaven are given the option to die in an untimely manner to gain a slight edge in the admissions process. Statistics show that the acceptance rate was indeed slightly higher for candidates who applied early, with 13.3% of the early decision candidates accepted. Although the acceptance rate is certainly higher, St. Peter notes that the early decision applicant pool is usually more competitive, noting that applicants “have had less of a chance to fuck it up.” “There’s not much pre-adolescents can really do to disqualify themselves,” reports St. Peter.

Candidates admitted under the early and regular decision admission processes have until the 20th of February to accept the offer, joining their voices to those of the angels and archangels and uniting with all the company of Heaven.

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