Five days after the shocking news that area preteen Cody Parks had gone missing within the so-called “Comfy Chair” at a local coffee shop, authorities have finally recovered the thirteen-year-old’s body from the depths of the cushioned recliner. Reports claim the rescue effort was delayed when their hydraulic “Jaws of Life” rescue tools became gummed up with old lollipops and a 2004 John Kerry campaign yard sign that were wedged in the chair.

“Following a prolonged search-and-rescue operation involving joint efforts between police, firefighters, paramedics, and upholstery specialists, Parks’ body has been recovered from deep within the crevices of what’s known locally as ‘The Comfy Chair,’” reported public safety commissioner Jen Gordon to a crowd outside town hall. “This is indeed a sad day for our community as we mourn yet another young life cut short at the hands of overly-cushiony furniture.”

According to witnesses, Parks was at local cafe “Brewsters” with family when — against explicit instruction from warnings posted on and around the chair in question — Parks plopped himself down in the comfy chair and, within seconds, had been fully swallowed up in its pillowy depths. Despite their best efforts, bystanders were unable to pull the young boy out before he had already sunk beyond the reach of the 50-foot rescue pulley suspended overtop the chair for just such occasions.

“Everyone at ‘Brewsters’ is heartbroken,” said Lonnie St. Brogues, owner and proprietor of the cafe. “To have a fourth child die in The Comfy Chair in a single month is a real kick in the cock.”

After the town morgue officially confirmed Parks’ passing, mourners who’d been gathering outside “Brewsters” for nightly vigils hastily crossed-out their “Find Cody” signs and rewrote them to instead read “Justice for Cody” and “Avenge Cody.” Despite a widely-circulating “Tear Down The Comfy Chair” online petition that went viral and gained millions of signatures worldwide, local leaders have remained steadfast in their support for the comfy chair.

“Are people constantly sitting in The Comfy Chair, only to rapidly sink deeper and deeper into its’ cushions, descending past their torso and then neck before becoming completely entombed in its soft, leathery padding, nothing but the echoing reverberations of a final scream to indicate they were ever there at all?,” asked Mayor Sage Hoffman. “Yeah, sure. I suppose so. But The Comfy Chair is very comfy, and probably the best seat in the whole cafe for those who can handle it. They don’t call the comfy chair ‘The Comfy Chair’ for nothing, you know.”

“All things considered, ” Mayor Hoffman concluded, “The Comfy Chair stays put.”

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