Well folks, it’s about that time of year: when the neighbors put up their skeleton orgy decorations in the front yard, everything from shampoo to lube becomes pumpkin scented, and, of course, midterms roll around to fuck me sideways with no protection.  

In the past, however, the physical, mental, and spiritual harm done by Fall quarter midterms was softened by the existence of the little nuances of life, known as parties, drugs, and alcohol, all of which were abused at a level that would cause any good Christian mother to chug a bottle of holy water to keep from keeling over. This year, however, I’m stuck in my childhood bedroom, taking tests and writing papers at the same desk where I used to struggle over precalculus problems and sweat over prom dates in high school. The ever-so-necessary suppressants abundant on campus are not to be found here, unless you count the 3-decade old peyote my mom keeps in glass cabinet for “decoration,” or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazines under the bed that my dad refuses to acknowledge.

So, as all Stanford students are taught, modern problems require modern solutions, which has led me devise a full proof Spoopy Halloween Plan™ to scratch my itch: dressing up as a piñata, inviting my friends over, and letting them beat me with their bludgeon of choice. No tricks, maybe a few treats depending on how hard they hit me, and a blissful full body ache to keep my mind off anything academic related. Baseball bat, cudgel, frying pan, mannequin leg, whatever they want; as long as they’ve got good aim and the conviction, it’ll do the job. Plus, this way it just looks like a friendly Halloween event for the bros; nobody’ll know that a semi-depressed college kid is gettin’ wacked around in that colorful My Little Pony piñata!

I want to feel the weight of each disappointment release with each blow to the torso. As I am curled up in the My Little Pony piñata (dressed as Princess Celestia, obviously), I want to feel, as all Stanford students do right now, the weight of a cudgel straight into my gut until I burst the piñata and throw Almond Joys at all of my friends. If all goes well, I plan on hosting a 10 v. 1 dodgeball tournament during final project season.

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