“Prehistoric man was anywhere from seven to nine feet tall, you know,” commented James Heathrow ’22, who reaches 5’3” when he’s standing up really straight. “That’s where tales of ‘giants’ originally come from. This was because you could hunt megafauna and eat over fifteen thousand calories a day, easy.” Heathrow, who won the Idaho state spelling bee in third grade and has been riding that high ever since, reached out to the Flipside for an interview. “I think it’s important that people know about me. Not because I’m egotistical, but because people deserve to know about my four-times-daily 45-minute-nap polyphasic sleep schedule that I’ve developed.” 

Heathrow laments the miserable stunting of modern humankind. “We live like rats now, ridden with disease and living in little holes. And some people say, ‘Well, what makes humans unique is our brains! We don’t need to be strong because we can innovate!’ But that’s not just true,” Heathrow, who looks like a Habsburg had sex with a moose, claimed. “People in the paleolithic era also had larger brain volume with a median IQ of 140, and there’s even evidence to suggest people had low-level telepathic abilities. Then agriculture ruined everything.” 

At press time, Heathrow was being rushed to the hospital after suffering cardiac arrest right after his five-minute mindfulness routine, which doctors theorize may have been caused by his diet of nuts, raw meat, and soylent, the mountain of energy drinks and stimulants next to his bed, or the fleshlight containing flakes of dried blood from overuse and subsequent chafing.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…