In a stunning op-ed published yesterday, professor David Palumbo-Liu refuted recent claims by The Stanford Review that he is “hell-bent on blowing shit up and throwing mailboxes through windows in the name of antifa thugs.” Instead, the comparative literature scholar admitted that he is actually Megatron, leader of the Decepticon faction of shapeshifting Transformer robots.   

“I came to Stanford to escape persecution at the hands of the treacherous Autobots back on my home planet Cybertron, as well as to work on my upcoming novel What Optimus Prime Doesn’t Understand About the Free Market,” writes David “Megatron” Palumbo-Liu in the op-ed. “But it looks like their vicious scapegoating has followed me all the way to sunny California.”

Palumbo-Liu Megatron now finds himself at odd with both the U.S. military (due to his being a giant killer robot capable of transforming into an fighter jet and leveling an entire city) and the Review itself (which has called for his resignation because he is still technically an “illegal alien.”)

“We see this time and time again,” writes Review columnist Franky Manson in his scathing attack on the tenured, dual-degree-holding mechanical behemoth. “Individuals come into our country illegally, stay for as long as they want, and contribute extensively to the scholarly literature on social and cultural criticism, literary theory, and critical human rights.”

Manson goes onto argue that, “Stanford always has been, and always will be, an Autobot school. There’s no room for Decepticons on our campus, and Prof. Megatron should be fired immediately.”

This story is still developing, and Palumbo-Liu — rightful heir to the mecha-throne of Cybertron — has yet to comment on the latest round of criticism. He was last seen making low-passes over Lake Lag after having transformed into an F-22 Raptor.

You May Also Like

Mother Gains Super Strength from Child in Peril, Wins Carnival Game

When the brakeline on Kathy Ramone’s car snapped, pinning her precious child…

Michelle Forgets Presidents’ Day Again

Another Presidents’ Day, and more disappointment in Washington. Insiders have told the…

Electrical Engineering Department Expands Depth Requirement

In light of recent complaints that the core requirements for the electrical engineering…

Simulation Reveals That in World Without COVID-19, Your Mom Still Fucked the Mailman

After it became clear that many frosh wouldn’t see a speck of…