No surprises here, folks: just another lazy teenager, sucking dry the plump teat of Lady Liberty. Local millennial Trevor Corks might seem like a good kid on the outside — after all, his parents did their best to raise him right — but a closer look reveals something far uglier beneath the surface. Corks has barely worked a day in his life, yet even casual bystanders know that he spends every last cent he has on avocado toast and private healthcare, the rat bastard.

Great. Just great! While decent folks back in the day would actually put in the work to succeed, logging in long hours at the textile mill or guarding an internment camp, this entitled prick can’t even manage to find employment. And if that weren’t bad enough, he keeps on spending money anyways. Just the thought of him rifling through his father’s fat wallet, stealing another fiver to spend on selfies and vaccinations, is enough to make any red-blooded patriot vomit. Have you no decency, Trevor?

Why, just the other day, eyewitness sources reported seeing Trevor down at the local hospital, rashly splurging on drugs to treat his lupus. Oh, I’m sorry, princess — is lupus so important to you that big ol’ Uncle Sam’s gotta foot the bill yet again? Maybe you’d have more spending money if you didn’t splurge all the allowance Daddy gave you on fidget spinners, Hydro Flasks, and Pokemon Go. Fuck you, buddy.

You know, there once was a time when people worked for their damn meals, or else they didn’t eat. That’s right, motherfucking JAMESTOWN times. And back then, they sure as shit didn’t have bitcoins or “Fast and Furious” movies — in fact, you know what, Trevor? They didn’t even have your oh-so-precious lupus medication. So next time you complain about not being able to afford drugs because prices have been artificially jacked up in the name of corporate bottom lines, maybe consider this: back in the day, the only “Tumblr” that mattered was the one where you put a liberal in a barrel and pushed them downhill.

Rot in hell, Trevor Corks, you lazy crustpunk. Rot in goddamn hell.

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