Citing a desire to adopt a non-lethal approach to deterring enemies, the U.S. Marines recently announced a plan to begin phasing out bullet-based firearms, replacing them instead with Nerf brand Super Soakers.
“Our polling indicates that the American people aren’t really fond of us going around and killing foreigners with our awesome Berettas and M16s,” said General David Petraeus, who oversees military operations in Afghanistan. “So we’re going to squirt cold water on them until they give up and become functional members of a free democracy.”
The U.S. Marines have reportedly already purchased and distributed tens of thousands of Thunderstorm-, Hydro Cannon-, and Tornado Strike-type Super Soakers, which are recommended for ages 8 and up.
The Thunderstorms are notable for their battery-powered auto-fire feature, which requires no pumping to shoot. The Thunderstorms also come with removable ammo clips, which allow for quick reloading.
The Hydro Cannons have a 35-foot range and come with detachable blaster shields, which can shield your face from incoming water blasts.
The Tornado Strikes improve upon the design of the Thunderstorms with a spinning barrel that can shoot powerful spinning streams of water up to 20 feet away.
Critics of the Super Soaker initiative argue that the water streams would do little to deter extremists who are often willing to sacrifice their lives for a kill. Some have also noted that cold water would actually be quite refreshing for those living in the arid environment of Afghanistan.
In response to these criticisms, the U.S. military has decided to add small amounts of chlorine to the Super Soakers in order to cause slight eye irritation to enemy combatants.