Jeb to Go Back in Time, Resurrect Entire Campaign

November 16, 2015 12:00 pm
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Jeb to Go Back in Time, Resurrect Entire Campaign

Having already stated in interviews that, given the choice, he would absolutely go back and kill a hypothetical baby version of the late German dictator Adolf Hitler, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush has turned his mind to other ways in which he could use the ability to travel back in time.

Speaking to CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Bush expanded upon his earlier remarks, stating that, “I’d probably re-do every major decision I’ve made in the last six months, if I’m being honest.” Bush, who is polling at 8% in the latest Rasmussen poll, well behind Donald Trump (an expanding Halloween balloon), and Dr. Ben Carson (a potent sedative) indicated that he would make wholesale changes to his campaign strategy if allowed to travel back in time.

“In this hypothetical, Anderson, I’m allowed to change things, right?” Bush asked plaintively. “You gotta let me change things, man, please. Donor strategy, debate prep, economic policy, you name it, I’ll change it. We have the technology, right? Please, I have to go back.”

Upon being informed by an increasingly frantic Cooper that the situation was merely a hypothetical, Bush shook the newscaster by his lapel, screaming, “There’s still time. I’ll play more to the donor base. I’ll do anything. Please, Anderson, tell me where the machine is. Hitler can wait, I need to be president.”

As of press time, Bush was last seen looking for the perfect future hat to bring to the past in order to spice up his bland image.