Optimistic Marooned Sailor Thankful to Have Head Start on No-Shave November

November 7, 2016 12:00 pm
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Optimistic Marooned Sailor Thankful to Have Head Start on No-Shave November

While most of us struggle with a case of the Monday blues, Seaman Harry Waltman – of the recently sunk SS Friedman – maintains a positive attitude regardless of his life’s current challenges. Despite having been stranded on a desert island for the past four months, Waltman is still able to look on the bright side of his circumstance.

“Every morning, after I wake up to the pain of island rats chewing on my heels, I remember to be glad for the things I have. While millions of men are just now beginning their November beards, I’m already rocking four months of steady growth. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t even recognize myself in the blood-stained shard of sea glass that I use as a mirror! It looks pretty badass, I assume.”

Waltman faces a number of challenges in his daily routine that are something beyond minor inconveniences. Nevertheless, he remains steadfastly cheerful. “I usually am able to scavenge up some sea-garbage for a decent lunch by around mid-day. If I’m lucky, I’ll sometimes be able to find a washed-up tube of toothpaste to snack on. I’ll typically then pass some time in harrowing realization that I’ll likely never be found and that my wife has likely remarried. Though I’m sure the guy she’s with doesn’t have a beard like this one!”

Our reporters onsite, shortly before waving goodbye from their seaplane, gave confirmation that Waltman was indeed rocking one hell of a beard, alongside several lacerations and a bad case of scurvy.