Insisting that, “the jury is still out” on whether Stanford’s campus environment has transformed in the past year, conservative student Dale McPhee expressed doubt on Thursday about the veracity of recent changes in the climate of the student body.

“Sure, 97% of experts say that now,” he offered, “But we all know how reliable their models are. I walked outside of my dorm just yesterday, and I didn’t see a single protester. Heck, I went the whole day inside my room without noticing anyone trying to argue that certain societal structures are based on archaic ideals of white supremacy. Try explaining that one away, bub.”

Colleagues of McPhee agreed, saying that accusations of climate change were likely a misreading of recently collected data. “Just look at these satellite pictures of Stanford from 2005 and 2015,” a friend of McPhee argued, “Notice that neither one features demonstrators congregating in any of The Farm’s myriad open spaces. The proof just isn’t there.”

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