Twelve years of U.S. forces in continuous conflict around the globe may have a bright side after all, as local high-schooler Timmy Smothers has just aced his geography test.
“It was easy,” remarks Smothers, “all I had to do to study was watch CNN.”
Timmy isn’t the only student benefiting from the sudden bouts of publicity several countries have been enjoying since the United States decided to bomb the shit out of them. National figures on geometry test scores are the highest they’ve been since the debut of School House Rock in 1975.
“None of my students used to know where places like Libya, Syria, and Iraq were on a map, but now I barely have to teach them geography!” stated history teacher Tina Wicksham in an interview. “The global war on terror has been an excellent teaching tool. To be sure, this will serve as some consolation to the thousands of refugees as they gaze out at their war-torn homelands.”
Mark A. Milley, the Commanding General of the U.S. Army had this to say on the educational benefits of simultaneously bombing several countries across the globe: “It’s very important that the younger generation, as global citizens, know where these locations are. If we ever feel like blowing them up again in the future, there have to be promising young generals ready to take charge who can find Yemen on Google Maps.”
With the Obama administration’s recent escalation of the conflict against the Islamic State, there is more good news on the horizon for geography teachers everywhere. Now, they’ll never again have to tell students that Jordan is not their douchebag friend from high school who “borrowed” their car.