Post Tagged with: "study"

National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders

May 6, 2015 9:00 amComments Off on National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders
National Study Discovers New Breed of “Old White Guy”: Bernie Sanders

Friday, the United States electorate discovered a brand new variety of person within the genus of old white men running for political office.  Old White Men, a group historically known for their position of ignorant privilege in American society, has now been found to include a unique environmentally-conscious breed known […]

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Study Shows That The Tree That Freaked You Out While High Is Actually Objectively Horrifying

February 17, 2015 12:00 pmComments Off on Study Shows That The Tree That Freaked You Out While High Is Actually Objectively Horrifying
Study Shows That The Tree That Freaked You Out While High Is Actually Objectively Horrifying

“After much deliberation and investigation,” said a representative of the Earth Sciences department, “we have concluded that the one tree between Crothers and Green Library is, in fact, trippy as fuck and that it was definitely not just the drugs you took last weekend.” At Provost Etchemendy’s behest, a study […]

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Study Finds Your Car Keys

September 22, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Study Finds Your Car Keys
Study Finds Your Car Keys
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Study Finds Diagonal Stripes Unflattering on Infants

May 6, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Study Finds Diagonal Stripes Unflattering on Infants
Study Finds Diagonal Stripes Unflattering on Infants

This past week, as purchases of diagonally striped clothing on the part of the nation’s infants spiked, one intrepid group of researchers at Duke University decided to investigate. Using a combination of both qualitative and quantitative data gathered from fashion connoisseurs across the country, they found diagonal or otherwise asymmetrical stripes to […]

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Study: 73% of People Who Use Handicap Door Button Not Actually Handicapped

April 24, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Study: 73% of People Who Use Handicap Door Button Not Actually Handicapped
Study: 73% of People Who Use Handicap Door Button Not Actually Handicapped

In a groundbreaking study published by the Stanford Psychology Department last month, researchers found that nearly three-fourths of people who utilize the handicap door button are not physically disabled. Multiple hypotheses have emerged in light of this finding, which range from the relatively mundane – people like the convenience that […]

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New Study: Asians Do Not All Look Alike

January 6, 2011 9:10 amComments Off on New Study: Asians Do Not All Look Alike
New Study: Asians Do Not All Look Alike

A recent Chicago University study suggests that the centuries-old belief that all Asians look alike may in fact be false. A veteran research team headed by Professor Friedrich Winzenfaust worked tirelessly for dozens of hours comparing thousands of Asian faces for evidence of facial differences. “We began with a basic […]

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New Study Finds Females Incapable of Reaching Orgasm, Local Scientist Assures Wife

November 23, 2010 12:29 amComments Off on New Study Finds Females Incapable of Reaching Orgasm, Local Scientist Assures Wife
New Study Finds Females Incapable of Reaching Orgasm, Local Scientist Assures Wife
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Study Finds People Who Live Longer Are More Likely to Die

October 17, 2010 2:48 pmComments Off on Study Finds People Who Live Longer Are More Likely to Die
Study Finds People Who Live Longer Are More Likely to Die

A research team at Johns Hopkins University has found that there is a high correlation between long life and death. “It’s a unique situation,” says team leader Dr. Stefan Walters. “You would think that people who live long lives are healthy, but these people are dying all over the place.” […]

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Shocking Statistic Reveals Something Bad About Americans

August 5, 2010 11:18 pmComments Off on Shocking Statistic Reveals Something Bad About Americans
Shocking Statistic Reveals Something Bad About Americans

Researchers at a private university released an unsettling study today that revealed that a large percentage of Americans do not have the ability to do something basic that most people assumed they could do. The study went on to prove that Americans also lack a surprising amount of knowledge in […]

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Zombies swarm campus, “Dead Week” now “Undead Week”

March 10, 2010 11:57 am0 comments
Zombies swarm campus, “Dead Week” now “Undead Week”

As finals loom closer, Stanford students have a new reason to wear their bike helmets: to protect their precious brains from the claws and teeth of ravenous zombies. The rotting, reawakened corpses have been spotted all over campus, staggering and moaning from Lake Lag to Mirrielees.  At first, students thought […]

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