Last Thursday twelve ex-Twain sophomores suited up in the kitchen of EAST to participate in the ultimate show of affection for their old residence: dorm storm. As their synchronized watches beeped 9:00 pm, the twelve highly trained specialists moved stealthily across that parking lot near COHO, and quietly crept towards their target under cover of the night.

Unsuspecting freshman targets, playing piano, chatting and working on p-sets were easily visible through the dorm’s large front widows. Easily breeching the door lock by waiting for a resident to walk through, the team moved silently up the staircase, shot glasses, ping-pong balls, and condoms dangling from their belts. They moved into position behind couches, doors and shower stalls. As residences trickled down for House Meeting, they struck in unison.

“It was horrible,” recalled one visibly shaken resident. “One minute I was  skyping with my step-mom, and the next these guys in camo were forcing me to take shots, and listen to ‘Party Rock Anthem’ ”

After quickly securing all three floors, the squad rounded up known-partiers and deported them to an undisclosed row house where they were forced to play drinking games. “They practically forced me to hook up with my next door neighbor.” Recalled another resident.

A spokesmen from the team asserted that the mission was largely a success. “Of course there were casualties, like that kid who wants to double major in Bio-E and SimSys. But for the most part, Twain was successfully stormed.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…